What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 13:33
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was scared of men, in general
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Why does my sister want to have sex with me? What should I do?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Which feels physically better for guys: vaginal sex or anal sex?
Ive learnt so much.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Comes on , in middle age.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Do you enjoy cheating on your spouse? If so, why?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But it wasn’t much.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
How do teachers justify punishing a student for fighting back against their bullies?
I don,t even have a pension.
I have no regrets .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
What methods do private investigators use to investigate someone in real life?
And i lived it daily.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We all went to grammer schools
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She wouldn,t have been !
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Is it possible to run away from home at 16? What are some essential items to bring for survival?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Why cant I motivate myself to go to school (grade 10)?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But, we were locked up after school.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I said to her
I think the readers, may guess!
She was in good health!
So, i spoilt her more .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So whats the point in blame.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I waited trembling.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
All the time i was locked up.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He knew the spot.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Put me off passion for life!!
Who then, do I blame.?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He resisted the act ,that day.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My family never makes their pension either.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My life is so biszare .
Im still living with it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I could never make a relationship work though!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Why did i forgive my father ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Would this be the day?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It was going to be , some day.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I write beautiful poetry .
One cannot live in the past .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
This is soul school!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She found it foreign!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was very sick at this time too.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I will be 64.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was 9 years of age.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She married twice! .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was seconnd youngest,
We were not on the streets..
She loved him until the end.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
What did i know ?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
When she asked me how she looked .